Hard to Love
by Jameson Rook
Summary: "I'm hard to love, hard to love. No, I don't make it easy. I couldn't do it if I stood where you stood. I'm hard to love, and you say that you need me. Well, I don't deserve it, but I love that you love me." Ryan goes to apologize to Esposito after 4x23


_**Disclaimer: Castle and all of its characters belong to Andrew W. Marlowe, Terri Edda Miller, and ABC Studio Productions. "Hard to Love" belongs to Lee Brice.**_

_** So, I wanted to let everyone know that "Apocalyptic", and "Broken In" have kind of been put on hold for the time being. I've gotten really wrapped up in working on my novel, so I am going to let them kind of simmer for a bit, but if I have an idea for a one or two shot, I will probably still write them. **_

_** That being said, I was rereading "You Don't Know Her Like I Do" and I realized that I wanted to write something to that effect for Javier and Kevin. **_

**You've given me a million second chances,**

**And I don't ever want to take you for granted,**

**But I'm just a man, I am just a man.**

**I'm hard to love, hard to love,**

**No, I don't make it easy.**

**I couldn't do it if I stood where you stood.**

**I'm hard to love, and you say that you need me.**

**Well, I don't deserve it,**

**But I love that you love me. **

__Javier was reclining on his couch, a slowly warming beer clutched in a death grip. He stared at the wall, a blank look on his features, and ran the entire day through in his head.

Suspension. Gates had put him on suspension. What the hell was he supposed to do until she called him and told him that he was allowed to come into the precinct?

Then there was Ryan. He hadn't even begun to be able to wrap his head around the way the chips had fallen between them. He had deliberately went against what they had discussed and told Gates the entire plan. _He _was the reason that he was suspended.

Sure, he'd been the reason that they were able to save Beckett's life, but that did not negate the fact that he had betrayed them. It was the principle of the matter.

He was an hour into his inner musings when the knock on the door came. He grumbled to himself as he heaved his body off the couch and set the piss-warm beer onto the coffee table. He pulled the door open, prepared to tell whoever it was to get out of his face and leave him alone.

The threats died on his tongue when he saw Kevin standing there, his hair and coat drenched with rain water. His face was heavy with sadness and another emotion that Javier couldn't name.

"Kev?" He whispered, his voice seeming to have lost the ability to articulate anything but his partner's name.

"Hey, Javier. Can...can I come in?" Kevin replied, running his hand over the back of his neck. Javier stepped to the side and gestured for him to come in. "It's really coming down out there." He muttered as Javier closed the door behind him.

"Really? We're going to discuss the weather?" Javier scoffed. Kevin threw his hands up in the air.

"I don't know what else I'm supposed to say, Javi. I fucked up. That's a given. But I don't know where else I'm supposed to go with this conversation. I've run through it in my head a million times since you walked out without talking to me. I've been pissed, I've been sorry, and I've been completely indifferent. I don't know how I'm supposed to react to my best friend completely shutting me out. Please, _please_ tell me what I'm supposed to do, Javier." He begged around the tightness in his throat.

Javier sighed and collapsed onto one of his barstools. He stared at his partner (because, suspension or no suspension, they were partners. 'Til the wheels fall off.) who was shifting his weight between his feet nervously.

"I don't know what I want you to say, Kevin." He replied, crossing his arms over his chest. "And, to be honest with you, I don't even know what I'm supposed to say. What do you want me to say to all of this, Kev?"

"I want you to say that you hate me. Be angry, yell, do _something_, Javier, because I cannot deal with this cool indifference. It's eating me alive to know that I hurt you so badly and you don't even have a damned word to say about it." Kevin cursed his voice for cracking as he uttered the admission.

"Okay, you want me to be honest? I _am_ pissed. I have spent the past few hours sitting here, stewing over all the ways that you fucked everything up today. I have been thinking about all of the reasons that I should cut my losses, transfer to another department, and never see your face in my door way again. But, you know what? All of those reasons aren't half as good as the reason that I have to stay." Kevin stared at him, not quite sure what to say. "And, the worst part about the entire situation is that you have no fucking clue what I'm talking about because you're so numb that you cannot see what is looking you straight in the face."

"Javier, slow down. You're right, I am numb, so you're going to have to explain what you're talking about to me, or I will probably never know." He sighed, running his hands through his hair roughly.

Javier seemed to be torn as he stared at Kevin. He bit his bottom lip nervously before seeming to finally make a decision.

"Fuck it." He growled, his voice low and husky. He was off the barstool and standing in front of Kevin, his hands cupping the other man's face, and his lips delivering an insistent, hungry kiss.

Kevin whimpered into the kiss, his hands landing on Javier's shoulders and pulling him closer. Javier nipped Kevin's lower lip gently, drawing another groan from the other man. When the two finally had to pull apart, they were both gasping for air.

"You know, you really are a pain in the ass." Javier whispered, his breath ghosting over Kevin's face. Ryan grinned and gave a short nod.

"Yeah, but you still keep me around." Javier chuckled and pulled a shrug.

"...Jenny?" He questioned, the word bringing a wince to his face. He didn't want to think of what he had just done to his partner's marriage.

"Her ex from college came to visit and they 'reconneced'. She left a month ago." Kevin replied, the grin never leaving his face. "She said that he was 'the one' and that he wasn't 'secretly in love with his partner'." The last part of the statement caught Javier's attention.

"In love with your partner?"

"Javier, I know that I'm a pain in the ass to deal with, but you've stuck with me through all of it. So," He sucked in a deep breath. "Yes, I do love you. I know that it's a throw from left field, but it's true." Javier was silent for a moment before leaning in and placing another soft kiss to Kevin's lips.

"I love you too, bro. I always have. I'm sorry about earlier."

"I'm sorry too. It's not going to be easy, you know?" Javier didn't need him to elaborate to know what he was talking about.

"I know it won't. But you're worth it." The grinned at each other happily. "So...Madden and beer?"

"Madden and beer." Kevin nodded. And that was all it took for them both to know that, even though it was going to be hard, it was going to work. Because they were together until the wheels fall off.


End file.
